You Can't Please Everyone, Or: How I Learned To Stop Caring And Love Hate Mail

They say that you always remember your first piece of hate mail. Yes, I've been at this for a couple of years now, and with a beaming smile, I am writing to say that I recently received my first piece of correspondence from a ‘fan’.

The correspondence was in relation to my most recent story, 'Switch', which appeared in AntipodeanSF #146. To sum-up Switch in a sentence or two, the story revolves around a computer programmer sitting down and examining the firmware for a model of android that had been exhibiting some unusual behaviour when engaged by an enemy. Basically they would turn and flee at the drop of a hat. Anywho, just to play into the good old French stereotype, the programmer quips that the code must have been written by a Frenchman. Okay, lame joke I know, but it got a laugh from nearly everyone who had read it.

Fine and good I figured... I guess not.

I must confess that I've always been a subscriber to the old adage that any publicity is good publicity, what it means is that someone, anyone, is reading what I write, however when I received that first complaint forwarded through Ion, the editor of AntipodeanSF, I was initially floored. I unfortunately don't have a copy of that email anymore, but it more or less scolded me for playing on this French stereotype of cowardice, and then proceeded to list all of the important military engagements involving the French throughout history. What I found most amusing was that this individual was not even French themselves. Okay, fair enough I thought.

Now for the record, I'm Australian, and I've happily written some amusing stories taking the piss out of my own culture, 'Jack Austin: Xeno-Hunter' being the one that comes to mind immediately. Think of a larconic, slack-jawed Steve Irwin stereotype on a remote planet filled with creepy-crawlies and you are somewhere in the ballpark with where I was going with that story. I figured having a joke that played on the old French stereotype would be nothing more than a harmless bit of fun... I guess not.

Quite honestly, the individual responsible for the email of complaint probably had some valid points, but here's the thing - I don't care. I've travelled across most of Europe, including France, as well as having visited several war moments in countries like Switzerland which are dedicated to the bravery of French soldiers. For the record - I'm not a complete fucking moron. I really don't need a history lesson. The problem with people today is that everyone takes everything so goddamn seriously. Everyone is so bloody politically correct. You know what's amazing about being Australia - we have a sense of humour. We know how to take the piss out of ourselves, and we'll quite happily give as good as we get. I could have put just about any ethnic group in that punch line... but let's face the cold harsh truth of the matter – if I’d put a Jew, or Arab, or Irishman - no one would have laughed at it. We all know stereotypes are usually based on a good heaping of truth.

So am I going to apologise to the nation of France for implying that they are cowards? Hell no, if I was going to accuse them of anything, it would be the accusation that they are a nation of mostly arrogant fucks. Granted most people under the age of about twenty seem a little more receptive to foreigners, but let's face it, the French really aren't doing themselves any favours.

So the moral of the story: sack up and chill out.